I deserve better. Period. End of story. I've been doing a lot of thinking in between my busyness lately. I've come to the realization what an amazing person I am in so many different respects. How so you may question? I am 20 years young and already only a semester away from obtaining my bachelors degree. I intend to attend graduate school to receive a masters degree in communication. When I am 22 I will have not only a bachelors degree I will also have a masters degree. If I continued by 24 I could have a PHd. How many people that young do you know of that have those sorts degrees? Not too many. I also am currently the Vice President of the Communication Society and I adore getting involved with my major. I actually am interested in learning and feel as though I can never obtain enough knowledge. This means I (for the most part) love school. Right now I'm pretty much working two jobs if you will. One is as an actress. It has always been a passion of mine to act and I've been doing it my entire life. I try desperately to find jobs in Chicago for acting and have found quite a few. Not only am I doing that I am also working part time at Bath and Body Works. Why am I doing all this working? I will admit I love the acting, but I keep the other job because I am paying for my own education. I also don't believe in making my parents pay for every little thing. I am independent and find joy in being able to buy things on my own. It makes you value the item so much more because you had to work hard to get it. I'm also in the process of trying to get an internship for a major news station. I really am interested in a career in that field. It's one of my main goals and hops for myself in the future. I'm also in the process of writing a novel. Yes, full blown novel. I'm already around 50 or so pages and hope to add another 400 to that number. Finally, I try to help others who are going through the same struggles as I did. I have dealt with a bunch of horrible events that shouldn't happen to someone so young. I'm not about to share every single one. A lot of them happened years ago and I don't feel comfortable talking about them. My mom last year was diagnosed with stage 3b cancer and it put a lot into perspective for me. I realized how precious life was and how much I take for granted on a daily basis. Because I know how much some people have to go through worrying about their weight, their image, bad men.., losing people, and having to deal with sick parents I feel that I can help them see that they are not alone. That they will only become stronger and someday things will get better no matter how horrible things may seem. So I try to help teenagers dealing with the same things I've already been through and grown from.

Those are just a few of my many successes that I've achieved at this young age. I hope to go so much further in my life and I know that because of how dedicated and motivated I am I will. I know that I have the ability to change this world even if it is in a tiny little way. Helping others and doing something to inspire change may not mean much to the entire world, a city, or even a little town, but to a few people it could mean the entire world. I'm not trying to sound like a self centered, narcissistic individual. I just know that what I have done is extremely credible for someone my age. I honestly am selfishly selfless. I care more about helping others and catering then others then taking care of my own emotions. I realize that this needs to stop and I need to value myself more. I am worth a ton and I'm starting to realize that.

I should be the one who is catered to some of the time. I should be the one who's being loved and chased after. Not the opposite way around. I should not have to deal with being insulted and belittled for who I am because I am one of the most sweet people to exist in this world. It makes me sick to see how many idiotic jerks get more than the sweet ones in life. I'm no twig. I understand that a lot of men find it attractive to have boney girls. I have meat on my body, but just because I am a little bit overweight does not make me any less beautiful. I am beautiful and a lot of people have been reminding me of that lately. So I am beautiful, successful, loyal, honest, sweet, intelligent, and hardworking. How much better can someone get?

I am done dealing with anything less then I deserve. I will wait until I get something I deserve. I will wait till a guy sweeps me off my feet and gets me something special and does special things for me. I deserve that much for everything I've gone through in life and all I've done. I'm done with these petty things. I'm done with people (men specifically) for making me feel like I am not worth it. For making me feel like I'm not good enough and never will be good enough. I am good enough. I am better then most girls you will meet. So please be my guest. Have fun with your STD ridden whores. Enjoy your life of being cheated on and hurt by someone who can't even spell properly. For someone you can never have an intellectual conversation with.

I am worth it. I do deserve it. I am done with anything less.

I truly mean that and I am for once one of the happiest girls in the world. I respect myself and when you have love and respect for yourself that's all you really need to maintain happiness. I know people love me. My friends and family are always by my side no matter what. They are proud of what I do. I will continue to make them pride and make myself proud.

<3

Lexy

Today I'm praying for those who lost their lives 7 years ago. Today's date was a day where Americans united as one. It makes me sick and sad that so many people seem to forget such a tragedy. It's the main reason our country has been fighting for so long. I can still recall that day. I was in 8th grade sitting in my government class. One of the most inspirational teachers I've ever met (Miss Lau) was telling us about the Constitution. All of a sudden Mrs. Clark (Another one of my favorite teachers) came rushing in and told our teacher to turn on the television right away. That's when I saw it, right before my eyes, a twin tower had been hit. I felt relieved that I didn't know anyone who worked in one of the towers, but still prayed silently to myself for the families who did have someone in the towers. That's when we saw the second plane crash into the other tower. At that point my teachers began to scream. Everyone in the class either looked confused or afraid. I felt my heart plummet and that's when I knew this wasn't just an accident. It was an attack on my own country. I was watching history, horrific and terrifying history that no American who experienced or saw it would forget. I felt a tear roll down my face as I clenched my fists feeling fury and remorse. The towers collapsed and I just prayed harder and harder for those who were in the towers. Those who might lose their lives. The firefighters and police officers that were going to risk their lives to help fellow citizens. Later when they sent us home in fear the Sears Tower would be attacked I was informed by my mother that the pentagon had also been attacked and that another plane had been on it's way to the White House when the passengers fought back to save The White House. I will always cherish the individuals who were on that plane for their bravery. I believe that they have a special spot somewhere in heaven where they are praised. They are truly heroes and everyone else who worked around the clock and died to help find people in the rubble also deserve the biggest praise and honor.

When such a terrible thing happens it makes you realize how privileged you are to be living the life you are. So many people today lost fathers, mothers, children, friends, and spouses. If you lose something minuscule in life such as a possession, job, or if your just having a bad day thinking about past and current events where you lose something permanently or suffer daily makes you really come to appreciate your life. I'm so happy with my life. My mother may have gotten stage 3b cancer, but she is still fighting and she makes me believe that if you have the will to do something you are capable of doing whatever you want. She fights for us, and she never stops. We may be losing our house and have to leave, but my dad has never given up. He's worked like a dog all his life to support his children and his family and I appreciate him. I get my work ethic from my dad, because if he can work that hard I can too. I will do anything in my power to ensure that I can repay them for all they have done for me someday. I may not have done as well as I would have liked on the GRE, but I know that I'm intelligent and that I can go far in my life. Einstein failed math after all. I have worked extremely hard not only at school, but at work as well. I have worked so hard in my education that I have a pretty great average and I am graduating in three years. I will be 20 years old with a Bachelors degree and I do not plan on stopping there. I will do everything in my power to get my masters and hopefully someday even get a PHD. I work hard so that my parents have less to worry about. I work hard to make them proud of me and let them know they did a good job and that I love them for everything they've done.

I have been so sad lately, but I realize how good my life really is. Yes I have a lot of let downs and a lot of horrible things that have happened. Yes I've had to work hard in life and I've had to deal with a lot of hardships, but I have my family. They are here and some people don't have that. I have friends who are amazing people and some people never get to experience friendship like I have. I have my education and no one can ever rob me of that. I am happy with all I've done. Please everyone if you respect people at all or have a heart pray for those who don't have their families. Pray for those around the world who are starving right now. Pray for those who are fighting for your freedom because of the events that have happened today.

I'm praying... I'm praying for my family everyday. I pray for my friends and hope that they get everything in life and don't have to experience the pain that some do. I pray for those who are out there starving. I pray for the homeless. I pray for the sick. I pray for the abused (because I know how they feel). I pray for the widowed. I pray for the lonely. I pray for the people who suffer everyday. Most of all I pray for the soldiers who are risking their lives. One in particular I'm praying for is my Ziggy. I'm so proud of him and I pray that he stays strong and is okay. It's so hard I worry about him constantly, but I believe in him. I believe that with every horrible thing that happens there are things that are ten times as good that will happen to help fix the bad a bit. Appreciate your life, because things could be so much worse. Do everything in your will to help those who are in need. If you were the one in need you'd be hoping someone would have the heart to help you. We are all people in one big crazy world, and we need to stick together in order to survive. God Bless America. God Bless Everyone. God Bless the World.

Since I've last had the privilege of writing in my journal. I apologize well in advance for not updating as often. I've just been so terribly busy with school and work. Work is completely miserable a lot of the time. I'm just so tired that it's hard to even stand for more than 5 hours. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the absolute truth. I still love my job and feel lucky to have it, but I don't know how much more stress I can take.

I actually am extremely happy though, because I met a wonderful person who has taught me a lot about myself. His name is Ziggy and he is the most handsome and sweet man I've encountered so far. I'm afraid to let my heart be fully open and love just yet because of all the pain I've had to endure within the last few months, but I'm willing to try. He's in the Army and I'm very proud of what he's doing for our country. I can't even imagine doing what he is doing. A part of me is so happy I've met him because he's been nothing but absolutely sweet to me. The other part hates that he is so far away, and fears the worst. I don't know what he sees in me. I've gained five pounds and I feel so ridiculously fat. I really hate feeling this way! Some days I wish I could go back to when I had an eating disorder. A part of me feels like that is the only real way I'll ever be able to lose weight. As much as I want to something always stops me, because I know how it felt when I was like that and I don't want to go back feeling that not in control with my life. I'm really going to work my hardest to try to be decent before he gets back from Iraq/Germany. I just want to be beautiful, that's all I've ever really wanted. I don't see how anyone, especially him, can think of me as beautiful when I'm as large as a mini whale. Oh how ironic that statement was.

Anyways, this is a picture of the new wonderful man. I know you all may be thinking "well she moves on quick", but I wasn't even looking when I found him. It was almost as though we met by fate and I can't figure it all out still, but I'm so thankful to have met him. I knew he was special when he held my hair back after I had a bit too much to drink and I looked into his eyes. I could tell that he actually cared about me, and I've had trouble believing anyone could care much for me considering how much I've been hurt and treated.




Tomorrow I'm going to eat all my groceries I got for the week this week and that's all. It's a bit of a busy week just because I have to study hard for this GRE test. It's on Wednesday so I'm going to be living in the library for the next few days. I really hope I do well on it. I've been reading my practice book and doing practice exams and I've done fairly decent. I'm hoping that I won't completely freak out before the test. I just keep telling myself that I am able to take it again even though it is a shitload of money. After this damn test is over I'm going to go back to my workout regime and actually doing my homework. I really want to get my life put together. I procrastinate so much lately and I hate hate hate it. I know if I started working out, losing weight, and staying organized with my room and school work I'd be so much happier with my life. I'd also have less time to think about missing my man and it would make him more proud of me I think.

Pumpkin Frappacinos are so good, but they are not worth the calories even if I do make them light! I am giving up fraps and booze while my boyfriend is away! I want to look beautiful for him when he gets back and so that he remembers what he's coming home to. I really wish I was everything and the most beautiful girl, but I can't be beautiful at this weight. Some recent pictures of my body/me!




So my plans for this week are that I'm going to eat extremely healthy. Back to my old health nut ways I've let myself go too much this week and regardless of how stressful things in life can be it's no excuse to binge on food that is terrible for you. I am going to start slowly working out a bit each day until Friday hits and I will go back to my super woman work outs because I'll be done with the GRE and my Spanish exam. This weekend I'm going to catch up on everything regarding school, even if it means I sit at the library all night to do so. I do have work on Saturday which will impede upon my studying, but I really need the money. Finally, I am going to get everything just as perfect as I can in this moment. My mom has been super sick so I'm really worried about her, and I can tell my dad is stressed as well. I just want to do everything in my power to help them right now and make sure that their lives are a bit less stressful.

My room smells lovely right now. Lavender Chamomile is putting this little girl to sleep! Can't get enough of it though. I think I'm going to go on a cleaning rage this weekend as well. Make the house nice and spotless for my mommy =]. I can't wait until tomorrow, because then I get to talk to my hunny bunny and he'll read my little message I sent him, which I'm actually excited for him to see. Mmm. I'm going to clean my room and get things done before bedtime. It's already 10:30 boo!

Short entry, I'll totally make a better one after the GRE is over =] All in all even though my life can be tough at times, everything is so worth it because I have so many wonderful and amazing people and things surrounding me that the good outweigh the bad.

<3
Alexis Zoe

How I will miss you dearly. I feel the warmth slipping away. Cold is approaching and part of me wants it to, but the other half is simply enjoying the last few days that remain of summer. I never thought I'd say that I enjoyed summer, but I actually enjoyed summer this year. Although I spent most of it at school and work I feel like I got a lot accomplished. I only got B's in my summer classes, but that's pretty good considering I had 10 credits I took. I also made a bit of money which I need for the school year. That's not the only reason I can say I enjoyed summer. Although my romance ended up to be just a summer romance I've met a lot of great people. The new people I've met are really great and I'm grateful to continue to have such good people surround me for every bad person who enters my life.

I think the hardest part of life is being completely satisfied with who you are. That's the biggest struggle, figuring out what you want in your life. It's hard to get what you want completely, but you do the best you can do. I've tried my hardest to do what I want. I'm still going strong with my morality and still want to wait until marriage or at least until I find someone who really I fall crazy in love with. I'm going for my education even though it's going to cost me a shitload, but I know that it will be worth it in the end. I'm helping with charities and help people who struggle with things, and I love doing it. I'm working out, a vegetarian, into nutrition because your body and your mind need to be in tune with one another. I do everything I've wanted and I continue to do things I enjoy. Life is too short to pretend your something your not. I'm sick of the pretenders and fake people in the world. Your life is only going to be worth it all if you do what you want regardless of what that may be. Don't conform and feel as though you have to be a certain way to be accepted. If others don't accept you for being yourself then they aren't worthy of even knowing you.

<3Sincerely,

Alexis Zoe

I will forever be. I was reading through my old comments on myspace and facebook, because I'm a nerd like that. It makes me so sad to see all the people I used to talk to and haven't had contact with for years now. Seeing things such as "Sexy Lexy is mine" and "I love you Lexy" from people who have disappeared into the darkness just makes me wonder what happened. Was it me? Was it them? Suppose the answer to the question may forever be unknown. I know a part of life is having to lose people during the process, but I never realized how many people have actually fell off the radar. I'm not entirely miserable over the fact I've lost them as friends, because I have wonderful people in my life now; however, it does still make me wonder where things go wrong.

As for me, I've completely destroyed myself. I will admit that I've completely cleaned my room (which is slowly incruing messiness again), but I'm actually attempting to keep it decent so that it doesn't transform into a tornado again. However, I hope that I can keep that up. That's about all I've been able to change thus far. I really am thrilled for school to start. I feel like I'm scratch that I know that I'm gaining weight. It's killing me inside. I felt so much better when I was eating the way I know is right and working out pretty much on a daily basis. I have not worked out for a whole week and a half already! Oh and I've been ODing on French Fries and Icecream. Tomorrow this all ends. I'm making my grocery list tonight and I am starting fresh. I adore working out and eating right makes me feel so much more energetic. I've just been so down lately and not caring about much and I can't allow my body to get worse. This is it's current state....

Seems to be leaving me. Whether it be to go to school or just generally they've grown apart from me. It's kind of sad to lose so many people, but at the same time I suppose it's going to force me to get to know new people. I still have not gotten started on the actual changes I've planned. I've been far too lazy! I'm just going to use summer as my excuse to relax until school returns. Only about one more week until I start up again. I'm hoping to have everything complete before then.

I really can't wait until fall. Don't understand why? Just take a look.

To start new, fresh, and clean. I really think these recent hard times have been a blessing in disguise. I've discovered what a strong person I am and realize that hurt is just continuing to follow me as a reminder of that. I've decided to completely rearrange my life for the better. The first decision I have made to do so is to clean my room. Throw out all the little reminders of my past and finally rid myself of the memories. I believe that by organizing my room I'll have a more successful school year. I just have to bring myself to finish all the organizing and cleaning before school begins -.-. Here is a picture of the current state of my room from tearing it apart to organize.


As well as organizing my room I've decided to become even more of a health nut then I've already been and start cooking myself dinner on a daily basis. You know how they did it in old Italy. The wife would go get the tomatoes and pasta from the market and cook it fresh everyday. That is my full intention. Not just because I feel it will make me lose more weight, but I love to cook and haven't had the oppurtunity to do so. With eating healthy and right comes great responsibility to keep my fitness level on the ups. I already adore working out. It makes me feel so pumped and good, but I think I need to actually start training myself rather than just overworking everything at once. I'll be reading up on what to do and perhaps even asking for some advice from an expert. Aka muscle men! These are my current guns and body look. I hope to improve this 110% by winter.

To believe in cuz I don't believe in myself.
And I'm sick and tired of getting nowhere.
Guess it will all work out.

And I don't mind anymore.
And I don't mind anymore.

And I need someone.
To put my trust in.
Cuz I can't trust myself.
And I'm scared of failure.
So scared of success.
I guess it will all work out.

And I don't mind anymore.
And I don't mind anymore.

And I need something to believe in.
Cuz I don't believe in myself.
And I'm sick and tired of getting nowhere.
Guess it will all work out.

And I don't mind it anymore.
And I don't mind anymore.

Next song...
Tear drop on the fire.
Fear is on my breath.
Water is my eye.
Most faithful mirror.
Fear is on my breath.

Tear drop on the fire.
Of a confession
Fear that's on my breath.

Most faithful mirror.
Fear is on my breath.

Tear drop on the fire.
Fear is on my breath...


Those songs describe entirely how I feel. I don't think I've ever been this low. Scratch that I have been this low, but only when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I don't quite comprehend this life. How come every time I do something good I get hurt even worse? I suffer even more than I've had to? I do recognize the fact that I am very priveledged in comparison to most people, but you'd think someone who wants good for people and wants to do things to help them would at least get one moment of happiness... I feel as though I'm slowly losing it. I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.

I have work tomorrow and I don't want to be there at all. Tonight was the worst night of my life for so many different reasons. First I realized that Brandt and I would never be together. Maybe he'd agree to be my boyfriend, but he would never fully be mine and it broke my heart a little. I know it sounds silly, but I still care about him and he was still the first guy I trusted with my heart. To have that broken just kills me inside. I then went to an expensive dinner with Jackie, Matt, and Vivian. We ate food and naturally I got sick because I had been fasting. I'm sick of fasting and feeling fat. I just wish that I was beautiful and it's hard to go out to eat even, because a part of me fears gaining tons of weight. I ended up throwing up (I didn't make myself do it), I did however feel very sick and it was embarassing to get sick in front of them now because they just assume it's my eating disorder, which it wasn't this time.

Instead of staying out with my friends I decided to ditch them at 12am to go to David's graduation party. This ended up being a total wreck. I know I love Brandt in my heart I know... But a part of me will always love David and I feel so used by him. He treated me like scum again... It was as though I didn't exist. He just said hi and bye basically. I stayed there socializing with his friends and brother that I haven't seen in over a year and a half. It makes me feel sick how unimportant people treat me. One day they tell me to respect myself and that I'm amazing and then the next they just treat me as though I'm scum of the Earth. I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong to make people feel this way about me.

I must have done something pretty darn awful in some other life sometime.. Because I'm being punished severely for it now. I just can't help but try to fight back the tears, because I don't want to cry anymore. I'm so sick of crying. How much can be thrown at someone? I was abused both physically and mentally throughout my life, I have been backstabbed and lied to, I've been cheated on, I've been stalked and insulted, I have been left broken hearted, I have dealt with everything on my own, my family has lost all their money, I am putting myself through school, I pay for my own schooling, I work my ass off, I try so hard for straight A's, I'm sickly, been used, found out my mom was in one of the last stages of cancer, lost almost my whole family, and it just seems more and more I continue to get beat down regardless of how hard I try to be good.

This is all I ask of you people out there... If you even read this... This is the list of what Lexy just wants.
-Just be honest with me.
-Stay loyal to me.
-Don't backstabb me.
-Just make me feel special (Which is the most important)

I just want to feel special... I just want people to stop using me and lying to me. I'm so sick of being told things and not seeing any actions to follow through with them. All I have left is my mind. It is the only thing that's keeping me from just letting go and dying completely... I guess my life is going to alter into being nothing but knowledge and power... Once I get what I want I can have people who don't mean anything... I will just become heartless... Like everyone else has done to me.

=[

I wish you hadn't hurt me so terribly. I wish you hadn't been the first person to crush my heart and let it slowly crumble alone. Now I am at your mercy and I will always be there. I wish I could go back, back to the very beginning.

I miss a lot of people lately. It feels as though I'm losing everyone, yet it seems more and more people are vying for my attention. Only issue is they aren't the people I want to pay attention to me. They are "new" and I'm not always comfortable letting new people in my life. It's so strange how things alter in life so drastically. One moment you can have someone in your life you know won't ever not be a part of it. The next they are gone forever.... Forever can be the most beautiful yet horrid word to exist. Forever can mean forever with someone and never having to eliminate them from your life. Or it can mean that you lose someone and will never get them back, no matter how much you try. I have a lot of the second forevers and it continues to hurt.

I want to be thin, i'd die just to have the most amazing looking body in the world. I know it sounds so hypocritical of myself to say this... but I feel like going back to the way I was. I feel like starving myself and making myself throw up. I hated that stage of my life. I ended up hating myself everytime I did it, but I can't stand to look at myself anymore. I love my face, I think it's the most beautiful part of me... It lets people see my emotions even when I can not express them. It holds the key to my soul, so that the people who really count will see into it and stick with me. However, my body drives my completely insane. I hate seeing it while I walk by large windows. When I see myself in the mirror I see this beautiful girl on the inside and this monster on the outside.

I know I need to stop being so hard on myself, but I can't seem to change that. I've been this way my entire life and it never seems to get much better. I want to desperatly to be in the city right now. The lights and beauty of Chicago always light my heart. I can't imagine a life without Chicago in my life... Even if I only get it for a few times out of a year. I wish I felt special. *Sigh*. I think I'm going to go puke now.

<3

Alexis Zoe

It is quite amusing to read my old journal entries. I really think it's hilarious how I tried to build myself up to be this mature person, whilst typing like a complete teenager. Ah dear Lexy, you can't put yourself on automaturity pilot.. Your still going to have immature moments whether you want to believe it or not.

So lately, I've just been writing about how in love I am. As much as I'm sure romance amuses people the most out of any subject matter, I'm afraid I feel the urge to just write about life. I don't understand how people can't sit back a few seconds of their day just to think about the concept of life and their own lives. Or as the spanish say vida. My life has had it's ups and downs lately, but for the most part it has been pretty spectacular. Well I suppose spectacular was pushing it.

My grades are dwindling. I really am not happy with straight B's and I am going to try to upgrade at least one or two to A's. I know most people believe that B's are good grades, let me tell you why in my eyes they aren't. I know I'm a complete maniac when it comes to education and I have no one telling me B's are unacceptable; however, I feel that I am capable of getting A's. I feel as though with a little effort I could get amazing grades and get scholarships to places I'd want to go for graduate or law school. B's don't get scholarships. They indicate your intelligence and help you get into these graduate and law schools, but they don't mark a genius. Which, in all honesty if everyone tried super hard they could all be marked as a "genius".

Another difficult struggle for me is my weight. I've been losing weight, but I don't feel it's entirely enough. I know everyone says I'm beautiful... I know that I am. Deep down inside I know that I am a very beautiful individual. However, I feel like if I lost 30 lbs I would be drop dead gorgeous and would really have no competition when it came to my relationships. I feel as though if I was drop dead gorgeous no one would ever want to hurt me and would be completely and madly in love with me. I know I shouldn't think that to be a valid argument and I know that someone should love me for who I am not how I look. When it comes to men, I can't help but feel like that's all they really want deep down.

I believe that this life needs more good and change. It's become so gray and I feel as though I a colored object trapped in a gray world. That sounds depressing, but the world just has lost it's beauty, it's good, it's niceness. It has become a world filled with people who care only for themselves. They walk over others to get further in their jobs in order to make more money. They settle for jobs that don't make them happy and they are not passionate about just so that they have some huge house to show for their success. I have so much love to give, and so much good to do for this world and I can't help but feel I'm one of the last remaining who has that feeling. I think if we all banned together and did one thing to help people then the world could be much better, and we'd have less to complain and worry about.

I know it's an unrealistic dream considering the state of our society, but hey I can dream can't I? Anyways, the housing market is effed.. Printing more money increases national debt and can help decrease the cost of a dollar! Congratulations America you fucked up again!

Love you all.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

I think your crazy maybe.....

I honestly think this is my song for Brandt... I don't think he realizes just how much that Pyro Love video has effected me since he's been gone. Within the video two of the best Team Fortress characters find each other and have a lot of fun. I consider him the blue pyro just because that's his favorite color,and that leaves me as the red also known as the one that dies. It really doesn't matter which Pyro dies at the end, but it makes me feel how life without Brandt would be and the song that plays during it (Motion Picture Soundtrack by Radio Head) just brings tears to my eyes everytime. That sadness and if you will "love" they build for each other during this short clip is just tremendously beautiful. A life without my Pyro would be lonely and cold. It would hardly be worth even getting out of bed or doing fun things that would just remind me of him.

People aren't perfect, I'm far from it. I know I am a good person by nature and I know there aren't too many individuals out there like me. I do feel alone a lot of the time and other times I feel completely understood by all those experience tremendous pain in the world. I know I need to be here to elievate some of that pain and I know I am capable of doing so because I am so determined to. I found out that my boyfriend isn't Mr. Perfect. He isn't that man that I thought would never hurt me. He isn't someone who is completely honest all the time. He likes sex a bit too much for his own good, but despite all his issues I know he loves me. I can feel it in his heart everytime it beats. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me concerned. Not even a liar can alter what their eyes are saying, they are truly the windows to our soul. He gives me meaning, makes me feel safe, makes me miss him so much that it hurts. He lights up my entire life and he is brighter than the sun. Everyday I spend talking to him whether it be a good or bad conversation I just feel so privledeged to have him in my life. It still hurts me seeing all the things he's said and how he treated people just as he treats me, but I'm coping with it. I know it's in the past and the past is not the future or present. It can never be and people change.

I have so much faith that Brandt is going to change for me. I know that he respects me more than I think he does. When I kiss him I feel passion and I feel sparks. It's like the fourth of July only 100 times more fireworks and lights. Sometimes when we kiss I feel as though my whole body is just levatating. It's as though I really am floating on clouds. Now I know where they came up with the concept of cloud 9. I trust Brandt despite how he lied and all the things he's said. I've never felt so comfortable and so real with someone in my life and it makes me the most terrified yet most happy girl in the entire world. I know that I have the possiblity of getting my heart broken again. He has already done it once, but I have faith he won't do it to me. If he does I will be shattered and torn, but a part of me will be happy I spent that extra time with him just because it was some of the best moment's i've ever shared with someone in my entire life. I have no one to thank but him for that. I hope that he will change, because I have given him my heart. It was locked to the world and I couldn't hand over that key, but he has it. He can use it and unlock my heart forever to be his... Or he can throw it away and leave me to find it in a barrel of hay. Either way there will always be a place for him in my tiny fragile heart.

I'm done ranting about my love for Brandt. I just got him a nice present that I think he is going to adore. I'm so estatic for him to get it but I know that I must wait to tell him. I want it to be a surprise. He has to wait 3 weeks for his surprise, but it's totally worth it :P. Oh goodness one am already. Oh time where do you go? I long to stop you, preserve my youth, alter the past, but you just continue to tick away faster and faster. Sometimes I don't mind because the faster you tick the faster you will tell me whether I will get to spend my life with the most wonderfully amazing man to ever grace this Earth. Im off to study =]

<3

The Red Pyro.

How many times can I break before I shatter?
That is the only way to describe how I'm feeling right now. I sit in a desolate room that's filling quickly with water. The water is salty and each drip that leaks to the floor is pain. Pain I wish I didn't have to feel and that I could erase from the barriers of my soul. It seems the more good you are the more pain you have to continue to endure. Sometimes I think I'm meant to alone. I've walked around the world and have seen a remarkable number of people who walk the streets alone. No wedding, engagement, or promise rings present. Either they are just as lonely and afraid as I am of committing their heart and having it break slowly piece by piece, or they just want to have meaningless sex to fill their cold hearts.

I feel that dagger again. Except it seems with every stab it just goes deeper and deeper into my already bleeding heart. My heart is nothing but a fragile little machine that tries so hard not to get broken, but never seems to win. No matter what my body and brain do to protect it, it lets itself be free from the two and comes back crying desperately for help shortly after it's went to be someone else's heart. My mother said life was never meant to be easy, and that I'd have to suffer a lot of heartbreak before I found the right person. I feel like she misinformed me. I have been heartbroken on several occasions, but this particular time my heart has completely shattered. I've tried all morning to pick of the tiny pieces and glue them back together. I haven't slept, ate, drank all I've done is work hard to make sense of this puzzle and see what my heart wants now. Does it want to risk this occurance from possibly happening again?

My heart has went through battle. It has fought so hard for those it's loved and those it's thought it loved. This was by far the hardest battle that it has ever fought and it has lost the war again. Part of me wants to surrender and say "fuck it, I just want to be single the rest of my life. It's not worth the pain anymore." The other half of my heart is telling me that people deserve second chances. That maybe this second little breakout of battle will be different and it will finally come out victorious. All I can do is hope that my hearts wounds become healed, especially now. These wounds are the deepest it has ever taken and I'm not sure it can take much more. After a while you just lose the fight in you. My body has become weak today and all I can see floating through my mind is images... Images of the past, but most importantly images of the present and what may be to come in the future. Both good and images just continue to flood my mind and it has began working on overdrive. It aches from thinking and just wants to rest, but there is too much information overloading it a the current moment.

I've degraded myself to vunerable again. My whole being feels afraid, and my sensitivity seems to have hightened the longer I've kept my eyes open. I wish it would all go away. I've let myself talk to individuals who want to help, but have also harmed me. I run, I always seem to be running and it can't just be alone. I'm terrified of dealing with my problems alone now, because I'm not sure what I'm capable of if I deal with them by myself. Maybe I'll be called a name or two, maybe they will say "told you so", but at least I'm not alone and they are concerned that the tears seem endless.

I feel like the word commitment has completely been terminated. It's existence has slowly detrioted. Commitment still lives in me, it is what I want more than anything. Commitment means having someone be your number one. It's a term that is used to describe how someone will do anything to avoid hurting someone. People who are committed to someone feel completely attached to that other individual and can't imagine anyone else in the picture. To me that is what commitment is, and I guess I'm the last one on this Earth that sees the word in that way. I gave 100% commitment and trust to Brandt and now I feel stepped over. I can't possibly understand how someone could love someone and do such disgusting things. The things I've seen and heard have just sickened me. Physically I feel sick, dizzy, lightheaded, weak. I have no desire to eat, walk, do anything. I just needed so badly to vent so I ran for you. It's so hard for me to express my emotions and I tried so hard, but I still love him. Is that sick? How could I love someone who is capable and has caused me the greatest pain I've felt in a relationship?

I wish could hide in a hole right now. I just want to listen to my music and lay somewhere deep and dark where I can be alone with my thoughts. Where I can try to make sense of why this always happens to me. To try to imagine if I were to do something like that, but I just can't bare thinking it. I feel guilty just thinking about something other than him. It pains me to do so because he is just so special to me. I wish I was special, something spectacular. I wish I was a beautiful person who people drooled over everytime I walked around the city. I feel ugly, I did feel beautiful... He made me feel that way, but how can I be beautiful if he wants to see other girls. If he wants other girls to like him... How can I be special, when he does one thing with me and then does the same thing with someone else? I feel so used, as though I'm not good enough. He clearly needs more than just me. I don't supply enough, I always seem to run short. My soul is too good. I just want someone who loves me and who is going to just love me. Who is just going to say special, cute, romantic things to me. Someone who is going to make me feel like it's okay to do things with them because they will not hurt me. Who will prove that I'm the only girl they find attractive and want to see in that vunerable state.

I don't know what I'm to do anymore. I know that there are people who care about me, even people who need me. They rely on me for their problems, and to be there to listen to their deepest darkest secrets. I don't know if I can be that person anymore. All I've ever wanted was to make people happy and completely satisfied with just me. I've always failed, whether I was a terrible friend or a terrible girlfriend. Having me just isn't good enough. I feel so completely alone right now, I just wish things had been different this time. I wish that I could make people happy, but I feel like I fail at doing a great job. I'm not sure if this fragile little machine can pump much more. It's starting to progessively beat slower and slower and is losing it's will to fight for anyone or anything. I want to believe things can change. I've believed my whole life. On my birthday I wished that Brandt and I would be together a long time. I wished that he was different and that things would be as perfect as they could be and that I've always dreamed they would be. I guess wishes don't come true anymore. I quit wishing and believing. The only guarenteed thing in the end is that something will destroy dreams, and you have to fight to surpass them. I have fallen and gotten up and fallen and gotten up, but each time it gets harder to get up and I hope someday I'll feel like it's worth it to get up and stay up even if I do have someone trying to knock me down.

Sincerely Yours,
Alexis Zoe

Is just a reminder of how miserable my life has been lately. I look forward to really nothing other than going to school and when you've let that consume your life you slowly become less and less social. I realized after years of focusing on mainly work and school that a social life is actually very important to not only your mental state, but your physical state as well. I really wish I had just bought tickets to see the Dark Knight, because now I'm really regretting not being able to go. The drive in is impossibly due to rain, maybe not. I may try to convince my dad to go you can put your stereo to a station, but the windshield wippers would suck. Oh well. Everyone bragging about the movie is just making me absolutely sick and seeing facebook pictures is making me sick. I don't know why I'm so upset about not seeing this movie. It's just a movie and I could literally see it at any time I'd want to. I guess it's just because I don't get out much and was looking forward to seeing it. Blergh.

Anyways this week was super difficult to say the least. My Spanish exam was just extremely difficult and I studied loads for it. I'm not sure I understand why they would give such a difficult exam to Spanish 102 students. My friend got a C so I'm expecting to get that or worse... I really fear getting it back. On the other hand my communications test wasn't that bad. I think I did decently on it. If I didn't I'm basically effed! So I'm praying to whatever being is watching over me that it is actually a good grade. I'm just so stressed out lately. On a lighter note I did finally register for the GRE, and now I have to register for the LSAT. I'm debating on what direction I really want to take with my life and whichever I choose I know I will succeed in, it's just deciding on how I want to go about fufilling my dream of the "perfect" life. As perfect as life can get. That's money I don't mind spending 400 dollars later. I still have to pay 500 for my car which will then land me into the debt zone. Can't wait till next semester for an extra 1,000 in loans =].

*Sigh* I just can't wait until I get 2 weeks off from school. I need sleep so bad I feel like a living zombie. Lately it's felt like even if I get 8 hours of sleep I still feel dead tired. I keep getting sick too so I'm suspecting something is up with my body. I'm too tired to finish this post. Work tomorrow totally don't want to go! Haha I think I'll just not call in for my  call in shifts and just go for my regular scheduled shift.

It totally is July 3rd. Livejournal you are gravely mistaken! Correct your error your a computer come on now, I expect more intelligence from you....

Anyways, today at school I had a great time. My Spanish exam was not as bad as I initially thought it would be. In fact it was quite easy I just hope that I did decently. Communications and Culture is the most enlightening class I've ever experienced in my life. It beats logic and science and philosophy completely and I adore those subjects. Today we discussed the concept of time and how Americans seem so set on scheduling. We claim that we "waste time" but that got me thinking how does one waste time? I brought it up in class and stated how you can't possibly waste time because you are living during that time and doing something. It may not be something you want to do but your surely not wasting it. Wasting time would be throwing it away and not living during that time. I think time is precious and every second you live is a miracle and something that you to cherish regardless of how bad the situation may be.

We had a professor from the Ukraine come in as well and he was a very interesting individual. My professor asked him how he met his wife and he had the most adorable story you could imagine. Don't quote me on what he said but this is generally what he said "I met her at university. She sat close to me and I thought she was so beautiful and bright. Now we have been married for 35 years." My professor asked if he thought it was "meant" to be and he said he knew it was the moment he saw her. That just made my heart flutter because that's exactly how I felt when I met Brandt. Even if it's not "together forever" with him I will never forget how I felt the first time I met him. How I was pratically shaking with anticipation because I just wanted to be perfect for him. How I took so long to get ready so that I could be everything he wanted and more. And when I saw him all that went away I just was focused on him and what a wonderful person he was. In that moment I felt this burst of energy rush over me and I realized he is someone I'm already falling for and I don't even know him.

After the professor said that lovely story about him and his wife we got into talking about the "meaning" of life. I think I was Asian in another life because in their culture they analyze everything. It's not just this way because of one thing, I think things are there for different reasons. Each little intiricate detail has to be present in order or something to happen. I question every little detail in everyday life because there is just so much to see and so much to wonder about. I don't see how people can't sit there wondering how things are the way they are. When I was riding my bike today I looked around me and saw all these houses. The road. The train station. People. My bike. The sky. It just blows my mind how there is so much here it makes me wonder who conceptualized house. I know we always wanted shelter from the rain even our ancestors hung out in caves, but who thought of distinct homes? When did little tribes of people become families instead? The world is so beautiful and full of so many puzzling things that are just waiting to be questioned. Waiting to have their turn of praise and recognition of excellence. I know today we have the technologies to build houses and different structures, but imagine when those technologies were being created? Imagine when everything started going up. Imagine the first skyscraper being built.

Her class is just full of such great information that I've always wanted to talk about. Finally I feel like academically we are talking about things that truly can teach you life lessons. If you have an open mind and if you wonder you will do what it takes to find the answers in any situation you are in. And if you can't find the exact answer you will think of possiblities to the answer of that question. I just think it's excellent teaching and I am blessed. I feel so giddy and happy right now.

This weekend should be fun despite all the tests I have next week. And the fact that I work like a dog this weekend! But I'm looking forward to kicking back. Hopefully finding some recipes since I'm starting to just eat fruits and veggies for a while. Mmm. Maybe Starbucks tonight to treat myself before I stick primarily to the fruits and veggies. We have to spoil ourselves sometimes. Besides Matt wants to take me how can I possibly refuse. Hello fireworks. Hello independence that killed tons of people. Hello no school tomorrow. Hello relaxation and freedom. I do wish I could kiss Brandt under a firework *Sigh* how romantic.

<3

Alexis Zoe Waters

Your name. Desire. Your flesh. You are.

Espanol. Ah that word rings like painful church bells in the distance. I should be smothering my mind with strange words and trying to remember just how to congigate those verbs, but I really don't feel compelled to. I adore language, I wish more than anything I could be fluent in several different ones; however, we can not be good at everything and this subject is one I'm lacking talent in. I admire people who can speak several languages if only I could.

Today was a god awful day, but now I have this calm, mellow, sweet mood. I feel like nothing can beat me down. Not my horrible hours at work, not the fact that I know pratically nothing for my Spanish test, and most importantly not the fact that people are such ignorant creatures. I just am in my own little Lexy world right now. That sounded so Donnie Darko or something. I just feel at peace and feel as though I should be damn proud of myself instead of letting things get to me. So I have work into the wee hours of the night and have to get up early to work out, if I can do all that imagine what a strong person I am. I just can not describe how estatic I am to be finishing this summer semester. If I can pull off an A or B's that would be fantastic considering I have been going straight with classes for a very long time now.

I've been complaining a lot lately, and I feel I have every right to considering how stressful my life is. When I tell people all that I do with my life they just look at me astonished. I don't think people can comprehend why the hell I'd want to fill my life so much, but I do it because I not only want to, but in a way I have to. I want to save myself money so that I can pay for graduate school and eventually get a place of my own. I want to be able to get a good education fast so that I can become successful at a younger age to help my family and let them see how much I appreciate how much they've done for me throughout my life. I want to make a name for myself, I don't want to just be that person who lived their life in a drone-like manner. When I walk somewhere I want someone to recognize me for something wonderful I've done for the world and I will continue to push and fight to better this world and accomplish all that I want before I have to leave this Earth. I will not be remembered forever, and probably not even be remembered a year after I die, but I want someone to be able to say wow that girl changed my life. Wow that person did something that I'll never forget.

I think people forget how lucky they are to have everything they do. People tend to dwell on depression, anger, hatred, and every other evil emotion a human being can have. With these they harness them and turn that energy towards others that are close to them or around them. They allow these feelings to consume them and make everyone's lives miserable. I think some of the most powerful and wealthy people in this world are the most miserable you could ever meet. If they would open their eyes and use all their power and wealth to help others and to enlighten others on the horrible truths of the world it may become better. But this will never happen because as the seven deadly sin books described, greed is one of the worst sins you can have. Greed completely takes over everything else and once you've become greedy it becomes near impossible to imagine life without all your riches.

I think it's amazing how people can allow emotions to consume them. I am human I have emotions. The worst one I have is jealously and I've learned to accept that I will always be a jealous person. When I see someone thinner than me I hate myself all over again. I consider starving to lose weight. I work out harder until I'm literally weak for days just so that I can feel satisified with the way I look. When I see someone I consider more beautiful then me the same thoughts go through my mind. When I see my friends happier than I am or talking about themselves inside I'm cringing wishing that there was some way I could shut them up or that I had something more impressive to say. When a guy is with me I get jealous if they look at other girls or even pay attention to other girls because I want to be more special than any other girl. It's hard for me to deal with jealously, but I've learned to live with it, accept it, and realize that the more jealous I get the more I can try to find ways to keep it under control. This is what a lot of people fail to do with their emotions. They just implusively yell about it or allow their emotions to show so much that it can impede on everyday life and relationships.

On a lighter note, and away from all the deep conversation I had the most spectacular birthday that could ever be thought up. The first good part was that my exam didn't go as terribly as I thought and I managed to get a B. Not the A I wanted but acceptable. I then got to pig out on my favorite dinner ever. I arrived at Hackneys giddy because I'd get green river and even more giddy because I'd get my boyfriend shortly after. When I got into the restuarant (Which is a word I can not spell), I ordered right away. Veggie Burger on dark rye bed with bleu cheese please! Oh and don't forget the Green River. I must have eaten that meal in under 5 minutes. I starved just so I could enjoy it. Just as I had finished a little light flickered and I saw a tiny hill of white and dark brown. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Lexy. Happy Birthday to you. The glow of the tiny flame bounced in my eyes as I thought hard about what I wanted to wish for. As I closed my eyes I really prayed this wish would come true. My wish was very special this year and I will continue to believe that wishes do come true because my heart is still 5 years old.

When we left Hackneys it was only a few hours until my lovely boy would be arriving and I could barely wait. My whole body seemed to shake as I waited in anticipation. Luckily my moms gifts she got me were at home for me to keep my mind off him in my arms so that my body wouldn't go through terrible withdrawl seizures. My mother got me 2 watches, 2 shirts, a keychain, money, pjs, shoes, and earrings. I was really impressed with all the things she got me I adored them!

I made sure my dad and I left super early to go get my boyfriend because I could simply not wait any longer. Unfortunality his train was delayed so I had to wait even longer! But I got to see Amish people at the train so that occupied my immature mind for a while. We waited in Union Station for what seemed like eons, and thats when he called me to tell me he was there. Finding him was so terrible, because I knew he was close and knew he was in the same general area as me but not being able to see him was killing me. Thats when I saw him. I don't think my smile could have been any bigger. I just hugged him so tight and hugging him after not having his hugs for so long felt so good. I felt my whole body just become less tense and everything felt right. I never like romance movies because I think they are so unrealistic but when I hugged him at that train station I felt like we were in our own movie. It was Brandt and Lexy's love story and no one else could have it.

He got me this amazing stuffed moose which I am holding my lap right now. This is the most adorable moose in the world. I named him Buckles after Brandt. Buckles loves his home here, but misses his Daddy =[. When we got in the car and I got to kiss him for the first time again it felt like our first kiss all over again. Feeling his lips made that jolt of energy and excitement jump through my body again and the butterflies went crazy. I couldn't wait until we were at home in my bed where we had room to just hold each other and kiss each other. When we got home I got sung to again and got to wish again. This wish was another really special one. I can't say what it was but I can say it was about Brandt and if there was such thing as a real fairytale that wish would come true. I then got a card from him and in it was the most sweet poem ever written. I literally held back any tears I felt in my eyes because I didn't want him to see me cry, but it made me feel so good that I could have weeped rivers.

We went upstairs to my room and sat on the bed I opened more gifts from him and got a diffuser for essential oils, it was so fabulous! We used it the entire time. Right now my room smells like lavender to get me sleepy =]. Then it was cuddling time. Just to get to hold him again made the distance factor go away. I felt like he hadn't been gone and like we were juts continuing our story and our life together. It felt so good and at the same time I knew he'd be leaving a few days later and I'd miss him all over again. His skin never felt so good it felt even more soft then I had last remembered it. His kisses were even more sweet than the ones I felt before. I felt so much passion in everything we did like we became even more intense because we had been seperated.

After hours on end of cuddling and love we passed out. I couldn't sleep I think it was partly because of how good I felt and partly because I didn't want to miss any moments with him. Brandt was a sleepyhead so I cooked him breakfast and got all prettified for him when he woke up. Watching him eat is so cute. I never thought I'd think eating was cute, but he makes it cute. We then went to play minigolf which was super fun even though he was so amazing. I did manage one hole in one though! And I got the best prize for it. A kiss =]. We tied and then he kept insisting we got to Matt's. I didn't really want to because I just wanted to be with him, but I'm so glad I went. My friends planned a little surprise party for me and it was so sweet. I got some more awesome gifts. The best part was going home and cuddling with my baby though. And I fell asleep in his arms and he in mine. I have never loved sleeping on someone or with someone ever. It felt so relaxing and I felt so free. I wish we could have slept all night together, but I went upstairs so we wouldn't get in trouble.

Sunday came and it was the saddest day for me. I held back on being sad because I just wanted to enjoy my time with him, but I knew the next day he would be gone and my life would go back to dull and boring. It would go back to missing him and just wanting him. Part of it is good for me because then when he's here its the best feeling in the world, but at the same time it's painful to let him go because I want to always be with him. We went to dinner at the cheesecake factory which was fabulous! It tasted so good and then we came home and just loved on each other. Dinner and love is pretty much the best day you could ever have. As night came we watched funny videos and it helped to get my mind off the fact he'd be gone the next day. When we woke up to go to school I almost didn't want to go. I just wanted to get in my car to go to school and drive somewhere far away. Just run away with him and be free with him. I knew I couldn't and it wasn't realistic but I felt it in my heart. After class we sat around downtown and I really wished I had taken him to see the city I love so much.

I want him to see the museums and experience them with me. I want to take him on top of a bus and hold him and look at the skyline together. I want to kiss at the top of the sears tower because he makes me feel like I am on top of the world. I just want to experience all the beauty in the world with him because he is the most beautiful person in my life. Having both in one would be like heaven on Earth. No scratch that it would be heaven on Earth. When we sat under the shade kissing just enjoying the last moments we had together before he left I coudln't help but try to be strong for him and not cry. When he got on the train I felt my heart break. I wanted to cry and didn't even want to drive home. It's like a shock, like someone took away one of my organs and told me I'd get it back as soon as they could. Driving home was hard because I just kept thinking about him and how much I already missed him, but everytime I thought of how much fun we had and how wonderful I felt while he was there it made everything seem okay.

I love him so much and no one will ever come near how wonderful and beautiful he is. This may be the 20th birthday. The birthday that teases you with drinking and makes you no longer a young teenager, but it was the best birthday I've ever had. Just having him, my family, and my friends all in one made it the most special. I'll never forget this Birthday and I never want to. I miss my boyfriend but I know he is mine and he will be here again soon. I want to go down to see him too and experience him in his "element". Until then I have pictures and a movie in my head that I will keep playing until he's here to add to the movie =]

<3

Alexis Zoe

How much you could miss someone before. I am literally counting down the days until my love is back in my arms. I can't wait until I can hold him and tell him how much I love him and miss him. He's the most special and incredible person I've ever met in my entire life. At first I wasn't sure I meant that, but now I can safely say how much he means to me. It seems we're moving so fast, but at the same time I know we can't help having these feelings towards one another. The first time I met Brandt I knew that he was the boy for me. I had this weird gut feeling that told me he was different than anyone else I'd met. My heart and my head both knew he would be the person to understand me.

Our weekend visit was one of the most incredible times I've ever shared with a man. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life. I just wanted to be next to him. Feeling his warmth sends sparks throughout my whole body. I get weak at the knees each time his delicious lips kiss mine. When he holds my hand I feel at ease and I feel like our fingers perfectly intertwine. When he looks me in the eyes I can see how much he really cares, I can see into his soul. When we hold each other I feel safe and I never want to let go of him.

I always thought I'd have to settle for someone. I never thought that love could feel this good and that your body could actually ache when they weren't with you. The first thing I'm going to do when he steps off that train on Friday is kiss him. I just want to kiss him so bad and hug him. I haven't been able to stop thinking about doing that since last Friday when it hit me that it'd only be one more week before I got to see him again. He makes me the happiest girl in the world. When I see him I get that burst of energy and butterflies all over again. I feel like a school girl with a mad crush on someone, the only difference is that he is mine. I don't need to only have dreams of him, I actually get him. Everytime I realize that I feel so lucky and privledged to have such an amazing person be a part of my life.

*Sigh* So my birthday is Friday. I'm pretty excited about it considering I get some gifts which is always nice and I get to spend some quality time with my family at my favorite restraunt. I haven't had any pop in forever, so having a green river will be delightful. I just want to relax and have one restful weekend and take a break from my busy life. This week is super stressful. Two exams, one is on my birthday and one is on Thursday. I also have tons of assignments due.

Weekend come sooner so I can have my baby here!

<3

Alexis Zoe

To walk five miles in a day<3

So I'm still feeling these aching pains coursing through my frail muscles. It's quite funny, because I lift weights and yet I feel such pain from lifting over three hundred boxes. That's right folks, Miss Lexy had to lift a bunch of boxes on Monday at work. I worked a 12 hour shift and let me tell you, I will never do that again. I don't remember much from Monday other than I was absolutely exhausted.

Tuesday was completely and utterly uneventful. I didn't bring my poor car in to get it's part fixed. I never called the service department to tell them I would not be coming in. I ate a bunch and felt terrible. I feel like I'm getting Fatter and it's killing me inside. Sometimes I really think starving would be the way, but I know I have to just continue to try to eat healthy and lay off any cravings for icecream I may have. Icecream needs to lose it's goodness so I dislike it. Maybe I'll picture it's made of spiders. That should turn me off =]

Today I worked some. It was alright I was exhausted for some odd reason. I slept enough, I think it's just the fact that I work myself up to be so exhausted before I go into work. I finally forced myself not to buy things I wanted and wait to see what else our sale brings. I've put so much money into that company. Whilst cleaning my room I realized just how much product I have. I probably could fill half the store. Okay maybe not that much, but still!

My room currently smells like pineapple. I'm so thrilled that I got the pineapple oil. It smells like a cool summer day in the Caribbean. If I can't vacation there I might as well bring myself there in spirit. Mmm. I would totally go for some yummy pineapple right now. Maybe even make my own little fruit smoothie with pineapple, orange, and strawberry. Mmm mmm mm. Okay enough for fantasies.

I really want to get my room organized but I have no aspirations to do so. *Sigh* Plus I enjoy talking to my baby too much =]. He's the greatest boyfriend in the entire world and I'm so happy. I've never been this happy in my entire life. It's as though my whole spirit just gets lifted when I talk to him and I can't help but have a huge cashmire cat grin on my face. Some of the things we talk about I can't imagine talking about with anyone else. So errie yet beautiful at the same time.

So I'm going to continue to attempt to clean my room, while talking to my lovely boy. Then maybe, just maybe I'll start scheduling out my days and pop a nice film in =]. I've been wanting to watch a movie for days now and snuggle with my blankets. Till next time.

<3

Alexis Zoe

Pontiac, Illinois. There are no words to describe that city. All I can say about it was there was a whole lot of nothingness. Nothingness is good sometimes, especially when you live in a city of everythingness. It would have been nothing without my lovely boyfriend. I adore him times a million gillion. He lights up my life more than any star, sun ray, or moonlight ever could. It was such a beautiful day out. So warm, yet so refreshing. The sun was finally winning the battle against the evil cold winds.

My car seems to get more action then any other car I know. Especially my fathers car, that poor thing never has any fun. After doing what seemed like endless amounts of searching for the perfect place to just be alone together we finally found the spot. A tiny little park in Pontiac inhabited by it's locals. The locals didn't bother us too much, or maybe that was just because we were too busy enjoying each others company. I swear kissing him is like kissing a bomb. I get this huge explosion that courses through my body and reaches every part of it. By every part I truly mean every single inch of me ;]. I feel this connection and bond that I've never felt before. It's like when your with the person you can feel what their feeling. I want to be as close as I can to him because it makes me feel like we are more attached. It's the most odd, lovely, outrageous, crazy, weird, amazing feeling in the world and I feel like the most privledged girl to ever grace the Earth.

After our love fest in my back seat we had to part ways =[ . That's always going to be the hardest part because I never want to leave him. When I leave him he takes a part of me back to Springfield with him and I can't get that part back until he's back with me! I miss him already but I know we'll see each other soon and it will be even better the next time!

On my way home I did a lot of contemplating. I wondered why I was meant to find someone so special and how I did. I also thought about the world in general. It all seems so fast paced and for the first time today I realized I was actually getting old. I was becoming more responsible for my actions and I'm not sure I'm ready to grow up yet. I wish I could just have my own endless pit of money just to get by so that I could vacation and do what I wanted in life. Work has been so stressful and I work a ton next week! My back aches and I feel like I'm overwhelmed by reality. I really wish I could leave, but I need the money and I enjoy the company of my co-workers. *Sigh* Oh well I suppose next year I'll find something better.

I'm going to go check on my vegan pizza and relax the rest of the night. Toodles!

<3

Alexis Zoe

Now I'm not one to advocate television. In fact I'm sort of on the Amish/Polygamous societies views of "television corrupts minds". Yeah okay so I watch a lot of movies and really enjoy stupid cartoon shows on occasion, but the only stations I really agree with tend to be the history or discovery channel. I also tend to enjoy watching the travel channel, because it lets me view places I can only dream of visiting and not actually afford to visit.

Anyways, I was watching reality TV today and I was watching the Bachelorette. My mom and I got addicted to watching it together because of the cute boys, but that's beside the point. I really like the girl who's on the show because she was on the bachelor and got broken hearted and she was having a conversation with one of the gentlemen. This guy lost both of his parents and is only 30. He lost them before this too! It made me realize how short life is and how much I should appreciate every little person I encounter in my life. My friends are the first people I will mention because they have always been there for me. I will admit I'm not the the best of friends. I tend to be more of a loner and it pains me because it's so hard for me to get close/attached to people. The few I have I am lucky to call my friends and I'm lucky they call me a friend. My family is second. We may not always get along but I don't think that's what families are for. If we all had a perfect ideal white picket fence family it wouldn't make ours special. My parents have taught me so much in my life and I'm grateful to have a brother I'm able to share so much with. Finally, all the other people I have come across including professors have enlightened me and have made me grow as a person.

I just am such a grateful person and I feel like nothing can take that from me. Everyone I love and who I've had the privledge of knowing will always be in my heart no matter how far apart we may be or how much we may grow apart as the years progress. I know that I had them and I always will and that means the world to me.

So yep that's what I learned! My room smells like my job. Mmm Pineapple Orchid=<3 forever! So great. I'm really considering buying another room spray or that candle.. Maybe.. But I just found out I have to pay for my own food! My parents won't because they say my food is hurting their budget. Oh well now my pay check will really fly. *Sigh* So this is what the deprived life feels like I assume. Oh well I'm off to make my list for groceries tomorrow and sulk about having to work. I think I may do some pilates and finish reading my book. =] Till next time journal. Oh and don't get used to 2 posts in one day. No school has been driving me to do such irrational things like posting twice in one day.

<3

Alexis Zoe

Today was such a hard day at work. I feel like I do so much compared to some people. I love my coworkers and my job don't get me wrong, it's just sometimes I'm expected to do so much. I really don't want to work tomorrow. I haven't worked out since last Tuesday and that's really bad. I work out 3-4 times a week and now tomorrow I am not going to be able to work out again. It's upsetting me. I guess I should be happy because my pay check will be decent, but I've worked 4 days in a row and I'm exhausted! Maybe I'll just go for a run around my neighborhood. That should work if it doesn't rain.

Last night was fun a bit. I had a fuzzy navel which was my first fuzzy navel ever. It was actually quite good. Butterscotch snaps=my new love although I am going on a massive diet starting tomorrow so I'm going to try to avoid alcohol and the like. I also should really cut back on the hookah, I've been doing it almost every weekend and that's no good! Poor innocent Lexy lungs are getting polluted, but I can't help how relaxing and good it tastes.

I really miss Brandt, it has gotten so lonely without him. It's weird to actually miss someone and wish you could see them. I've never really felt this way before and it scares me, but feels so refreshing at the same time. I'm sure things will get easier once we go on, but the distance still kills! Boo distance. I really wish I could invent some super travel machine that let's you teleport to any place you'd like in a matter of seconds. That would be brilliant.

I think I'm going to play some Silent Hill tonight. I haven't played in a while. I miss playing games with how busy I've been I realized how little I play games. And now my laptop's fan is almost 100% broken so looks like my PC games aren't going to work too well. Boo. I want to go stop by best buy to pick up some parts or a fan cool down thingy, but I've been working until close everyday so I haven't had time to go other places besides work! I'm hoping to pick stuff up tomorrow after work, but we'll see. Maybe my brother will come with me.

I have been reading up long good and hard about things I should avoid eating. I don't know how I became such a health nut but I really quite like it. I'm going to start making a schedule starting tomorrow. I stopped making my schedules for the week and it's thrown me into an abyss of confusion. I keep forgetting when I have plans, what I'm supposed to be doing, and I've stopped doing simple tasks like cleaning and watering my garden. It's so hard to remember everything and manage your time when all you seem to do is work. I'm excited for summer school to start, but I'm starting to worry about how I'm going to manage everything. Things just progressively get more and more difficult. Not cool!

My show starts in 30 minutes. I'm excited. And I'm talking to the most lovely man ever =]. So I'm going to go skidaddle now. Toodles!

<3

Alexis Zoe